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Posted on: October 4, 2008

Life has recurring images.  For instance, if any of the people I was dating, at the time, had a song to sing, it would be this one.  Oddly, at first, I was just drawn to it for the stirng part, but yeah, lyrics whoa.

This would explain why, while I was supposed to go hang out with Josh and his boyfriend, Rob, tonight, I instead left the bar as soon as I ran into them.  I mean, yes, I was thrilled to run into Josh dating someone, because really, I have been looking for something, anything, to get me off my inability to let go (and knowing that there are usually only two ways), cause really, I was getting sick of it.  A year of this was more then enough.

But yeah, going back to the original part, I’m one of those insanely private people.  To the point that even the people who are closest to me know nothing more than what everyone else does.  I usually retort that they should feel special, and they know more than my family, but family means nothing to me, at least in the terms of bloodlines.  If I were to define family as everyone else does, it would be my closest friends.

In actuality, I’m quite open, as long as I’m telling things that have absolutely nothing pertaining to my past or my feelings.  To get to that, you need to come equipped with a crowbar, because prying is definitely necessary, and with which I’ll usually start talking like any politician and dodging every question with the best answer that doesn’t say anything but isn’t considered lying.  I’d like to break this habit, but I’m afraid of a deluge coming out the second I crack the seal.  No one deserves that mess.

Maybe I just need to vent, but I’m still worried for whoever’s ears have to hear it.

On two separate side notes; tomorrow I’m buying a violin.  I’m hoping that having an instrument again might help me regain the state of mind I used to be in (having an outlet that really says nothing to other ears, but can help me get everything out of my system), and apparantly I am really, really bad for hitting on girls when I’m drunk.  It’s a shame I’m gay, even if they don’t realise it.

And yes, this has been all over the map.  I can see New Zealand from here.

Racecar

Posted on: September 26, 2008

This is gonna be a quick post, since I need to sleep.

But the poet in me is absolutely in love with the song “Ghosts” by Siobhan Donaghy.  Yes, I realize the song is over a year old, but, I just discovered it, and it amazes me how something that sounds so incredibly post-modern can be played in reverse and makes more sense than in regular.

Forward:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ayz2QV4Pas
Reverse:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEAJAnLRyfQ

In hindsight, the title makes more sense in the reverse format.

I’ve started Phase 1 of my super secret location change (yeah, it’s obvious).  Here’s how the plan breaks down:

Phase 1:  Save up $10000 for moving expenses/new furniture
Phase 2 (In conjunction with Phase 1):  Kill debt
Phase 3:  Leg the hell out of London (maybe tell mother first)
Phase 4:  Get a haircut

That’s the plan.  Now to implement it further.  Basically after bill payments, whatever is left over in my bank account will be transferred to a shoe box to store the money.  Quitting drinking seriously helps my budgeting, and besides, I really have no desire to go out to SEVEN anyways.

Resound

Posted on: September 22, 2008

I just got back from Ipperwash today. I needed a weekend away from the city doing nothing but walking along Lake Huron and generally avoiding my family. Love them to death, but really, there is a reason I don’t live with them. Except, that may change.

I realized I’m a hell of a lot more motivated when I’m in the middle of nowhere, and well, to be frank, I’m doing nothing here in London. So, if I don’t manage to find myself a real job by the end of May, I think it would be kind of neat to spend an entire summer living and working up in Kettle Point. There is a restaurant there that is always crying for help when the summer comes, and hell, rent free living for 4 months can’t hurt my bank account. Yes, I’ll be in the middle of nowhere (well, Grand Bend is only an hour’s bike ride away). But I think it would be kind of nice for my soul to be out there for an extended period of time.

But, the future always has a funny way of messing with plans, so, we’ll see.

So, I quit my job on Monday, which is confusing a lot of people, as they were already thinking of me whining when I would complain about my job (expecially coworkers), as they assumed I had a nice cushy off phones position.  But yeah, I left the company, said goodbye to no one, and will be starting at UWO at the registrar’s office.  It’ll be a temp position, but the pay is decent and it is not a call centre.

Things are also a bit weirder on the home front.  I’m not sure where things will be going with Josh, aside from down the drain, and I’m ok with that.  I’m cool with being friends, just right now, it doesn’t seem like it will work.  Maybe one day.  Until then, I’m gonna go back to walking around town to kill my free time.

Echo

Posted on: August 6, 2008

Some mistakes are just meant to be repeated until they become, well, fatal.

That being said, I found someone who’s gonna take Eli to live with them.  I love him to death, but I’m just not a kitten person.  Hopefully he’ll be happier there, and maybe now I can sleep.

Speaking of sleep, since it was so nicely interrupted last night (I’m not arguing, in fact I’m happy to be back on speaking terms with my ex), I should get back to it.

Rue

Posted on: July 30, 2008

It’s been an insane last few days.  Aside from the drama llama invading on Thursday, Pride was a lot of (expensive) fun, granted, full of mistakes.

Friday night, was the White Party.  I, of course, wore blue.  Besides, the only reason I went out was to watch John compete in the Mr SEVEN contest, which he won handily.  But, at the same time, I was also trying to get out of my rut, and actually trying to be nice and social.  It was fun, except, it comes with the usual creepy old guys thinking I’m their best friend.  Which reminds me that I’ve now been to invited to a party with them on August 16th.  Here’s to praying that they don’t want it to be an orgy.

Then comes Saturday.  I tried getting Kory to come out, but he threw out his back, so what was to be craziness, ended up with Chris finding a way downtown, and us checking out THE Fashion Show (yet another John production).  We missed about half of the show, becuase, well my roommate wanted to finish his drink and whatnot.  Caught the show (was awesome), then we found our way to SEVEN, where the madness continued.  I got to hear plenty of things that I needed to hear, and went home with someone who will likely cause that damn llama to come back when word gets out.

Anywho, we woke up the next day, and hit up the parade.  Normally, I’m not a fan of these things, but I just didn’t want to sit at home and do nothing, so parade it was.  This year’s was a lot bigger than I ever remember London Pride’s being.  While sitting at Dundas and Wellington, my phone rang.  It was Ed, calling to say he was on his way to London, which was kickass.  Anywho, as the parade came to a close, we tagged on at the end (like evryone else), then found our way back to the grounds.  Chris once again found his way over, then Ed.  We all went for dinner (with John), then went back again to SEVEN for Drag Queen Binggo (personaly, I thought the charity should have been “Literacy for Queens”).  Then we all went our separate ways, and the work week began.

Next weekend, I get to go to Montréal, which should be fun.  Some of us from work are going to kidnap our favourite Team Leader.  And I’m always up for a road trip.

This is a rant, I appologise.  I have wasted upwards of 8 months trying to get into a relationship with a guy I liked, through periods of of both absolute despisal and lovng (primarily the latter), only to have gotten what I tried for for three days, to only be told as I was before that “I’m not ready for a relationship.”  The kicker was in less than a month (also known as last Sunday), the bomb was dropped on me that he was in a steady relationship that everything was amazing (and that he was apparantly ready for), and while in his drunken state, he appologised for hurting me, he also tried hooking me up with someone that, if he knew me, he would know would be a terrible pairing, let alone telling both me and him, that it would be amazing and that we should screw each other, and become boyfriends.

What frustrates me the most, is that I’m still getting pissed about this.  Granted, it isn’t helping that my work keeps giving me oppertunities (Manilla, and the latest encounter), in which they keep renegging on me due to “demand.”  For serious, I cancelled my vacation request to go to Ed’s party due to an insanely cool oppertunity to train agents from my own home (granted, the office is across the street), yet yesterday (or Wednesday), I was called to take over another trainer’s class so that she could take over another’s because they hired someone who was incompetant, just since she was the ONLY one trained on the campaign, whereas the other was crosstrained.  So, as the only other person in our site who was trained to teach the last two days of this class then follow them into the worst of freaking shifts to supervise them, I not only had to cancel my vacation request for nothing, but then get told by my boss that I could rerequest it, even though it would be in conflict with where they need me, even after cancelling on my prior plans.

What’s sad is I was so happy when I got this promotion (granted a day later Josh asked me out), in the last two months, everything has gone to hell, and I have no idea how to deal with all of this, aside from my usual philosophy of trying to grin and bear it.  Sadly, I’m losing the patience to do it, and my attendance at work is showing it.  I’ll be fired soon, for lack of showing up if things don’t start working out.  I can understand, and signed a contract saying I’m fully shift flexible, but I think more than 24 hours notice about a complete schedule change, while my work being unforgiving about me having to deal with shit in my own life is a bit much.

I need guidance, and fast.  And yeah, happy Pride.

Delineation

Posted on: July 19, 2008

Idée Fixe

Posted on: July 18, 2008

Today at work was beyond freaky.  You see I haven’t actually spoken to one of our client’s customers for about a month, and today was my first shift back on the phones.  It was kinda odd how after about 2 hours of panicking everytime the phone rang, got smoothed back out by the flow of things by the time my shift ended.  Also, I get a small reprieve from the phones on Monday to cover for a coworker and look after her training class.

That friend I made while camping?  Well, I have this insanely odd fascination with him.  It’s really ntohing like “Oh my God, I so want him,” or anything like that, just this weird, I dunno, fascination is the only word I can come up with.

That being said, I got to talk with Ed last ngiht, which was hella fun.  I’m glad he’s back in the non Katima-world.  I’m also looking forward to seeing him in August, come Hell or high water (although, I secretly admit, I prefer the water).  Now if only I could figure out what to do with the rest of the summer, aside from working.  I think I’ll head up to Kettle Point a few more times, just to get the beach out of my system.  I’m worried that I’ve become addicted.

Lake Huron, you own me.

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